Re-Creation of Gentle
attempting the possible
Usually when I write for ‘It is What it is’, the entire piece forms in my head, usually when I’m in the shower or bike riding or some other place where I can’t write it down. When I do sit down to write, it comes out all in one shot. I don’t really have to think about it. The words are grateful to not have to hang out in my brain anymore like people in a packed subway car. The door opens. My laptop opens. Freedom!! It’s exactly why I posted a week ago Friday instead of waiting for a Monday because I couldn’t carry those words in my brain for one more minute. It’s like impulsive wordism. And partly because I wrote on a Friday, I confused myself and lost track of which every other Monday I was on. I suppose I could have simply looked it up, but that seemed like a lot of effort.
Today is another Monday and a good day to send something out into the world except there’s nothing in me begging to be released despite my brain full of thoughts. I have five false start writing tabs open on my laptop that have gone nowhere. Maybe Mercury is playing games. Maybe it’s the change of seasons. Maybe it just is.
I feel like the last couple of weeks have been busier than usual, but I’ve actually ‘accomplished’ less. My back was out for a couple of days. I was fighting a nasty cold. I didn’t go to the gym or yoga. Laundry piled up along with the dishes (which isn’t unusual). I was moving slower because I didn’t feel good. I certainly wasn’t writing! The bookmarks in the four books I’ve started haven’t budged.
I….am hard on myself. In almost all areas. Sometimes that overflows on being hard on those around me like my family. Sometimes applying a little pressure on us is okay (back to the dishes and laundry). A lot of the time, it’s not. One of the books I’m reading is by Pema Chodron. She talks about being gentle with ourselves. It sounds wonderful. I suck at it. Paradoxically, I’m really good with helping others be gentle with themselves so there’s hope I can forge a pathway for those skills to be able to reach me too.
Places to not be gentle abound. A buffet for starving self critical souls! Making ‘enough’ money, parenting, house management (those damn dishes), our weight, our wrinkles, our cardiovascular endurance, being ‘successful enough’ whatever that means, having fun. Anyone else feel like they don’t have enough fun? Everytime I open up Facebook I feel that one which is why I don’t do that very often.
Speaking of the change of seasons, despite the flooding rains juxtaposed with the searing heat of this past summer, I am not looking forward to the shorter days that have already started. It’s already too cool most days to have coffee on my porch swing which is also where I write, read, and meditate. That part of the front porch is my oasis. I put effort into keeping the plants alive within eyesight. I keep colorful pillows and a comfy blanket within reach. And Willow has a dedicated line connected to the deck rails so she can safely hang out with me without the worry that she will bolt after a squirrel or her frenemy Tiko.
One thing I did do last week was buy some indoor plants. Chances are they won’t make it through the winter because I am awful at keeping them alive simply because I forget to water them and/or don’t put them in the right location for their needs. My intention is to create an indoor version of my little outdoor sanctuary in our mudroom. I uncluttered it and set it up a bit, placed the plants, and even bought one of those full spectrum lights to shine on me while I drink my morning coffee on the couch. It’s not the same. There’s no breeze, I can’t hear the birds, and it doesn’t smell like earth and trees. Yet, it might be good enough. Maybe it’s all good enough. Maybe WE are all good enough. Good enough to be gentle with ourselves not just when we are having a rough day, but all the days. I’m going to try. Feel free to let me know if you will too.
In shorter days, cooler temps, and gentle awareness, Lorryn
